I had a major breakthrough last night… taking time this morning to meditate and process all the feelings. Understanding oneself is not easy work, but a worthwhile adventure.
The first realization is that I struggle with abandonment. I am sure some of this has roots in the lack of relationship I have with my family. But it has played itself out over and over through both romantic relationships and friendships.
I long for someone to come into my life and choose me. To be loyal to me. Far too often I make everyone else a priority only to be devastated when I am not theirs.
When that devastation hits, I crash. I’m hurt. I take it way too personally.
All my self-worth struggles re-emerge. I isolate myself. I drown myself in some new obsession and surround myself with new people that make me feel good about myself.
And when the person that hurt me comes around, it’s awkward. I have a wall up. I’m cold. I’m distant. I withdraw. I look for an escape.
If I can’t escape their presence physically, then I look for an escape from any interaction – which is usually turning to my phone and engaging with anyone else in an attempt to avoid the person that hurt me.
And while I know it makes everyone else around me uncomfortable. This is who I am. This is how I protect myself.
I’m not sure if there is a better way for me handle these situations, but now that I understand why I react the way I do, I will work towards making these kinds of situations less awkward for the people around me.
But I think the biggest breakthrough that I have grabbed ahold of is my need to expect less from the people that come into my life. I need to hold back my over-exuberance of new relationships/friendships and save my trust and commitment for those who have proven themselves over a longer period of time and through a variety of circumstances.